Mina's Super-Cute Slayers Newlywed Game!
by Beautiful Midnight
Summary: Four Couples (Zelgadiss/Xelloss, Lina/Gourry, Amelia/Sylphiel, Gaav/Valgarv).. one prize, lots of sex jokes.. Be afraid..be very afraid.


**Mina walks in (cue theme music) and stands at her podium, smiling cutely, wearing a typical game-show type outfit. The Judges (Rezo, Eris and Filia) are sitting on the sidelines as Mina picks up the microphone**  
  
Mina: Ok, and welcome to the Super-Cute Slayers Newlywed Game!  
  
**Polite Applause**  
  
Mina:.....*twitches and kicks the person holding the 'applause' sign (Naga) who glares at her, laughs and walks across, holding the sign up*-_-; **Applause, cheering, whistles** That's better ! Our four couples are competing for a piece of the Clair Bible and a trip to Seyruun! ^.^ Now then, let's bring our contestents out! Couple Nummmmbbeerrr....One!  
  
**Zelgadiss walks out, grumbling, with his mask pulled up over his head, looking around. He's alone. He sits down in the left chair, while everyone looks for the other person. Xelloss appears sitting in the other side chair and yanks down Zelgadiss' mask**  
  
Xelloss: Sorry I'm late, Zel-kun ^.^  
  
Zelgadiss: u.u; I was hoping you wouldn't show up.  
  
Xelloss: My, my, such attitude.  
  
Mina: *blinks* I didn't know you went that way, Zel...  
  
Zelgadiss: *eyebrow twitch* I don't.  
  
Xelloss: That's not what you told me last night ^.^  
  
All: O.o; *silence*  
  
Mina: o.o; **keeps staring at the two, starting to blush and giggle a bit. The stage manager Phibrizzo runs up and nudges her** Huh? Oh...right, the show.. Um.. Yes. And now, Couple Number Twooo!!  
  
**Lina runs down the stairs, holding Gourry by the hair, dragging him down the stairs.**  
  
Gourry: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!  
  
**They sit down next to Zelgadiss and Xelloss, Lina in the right seat, Gourry in the left.**  
  
Gourry: . That really hurt, Lina. *rubs his head*  
  
Lina: *smiles at the camera* Hi there! I'm Lina Inverse, Super-Cute Sorceress Extraordinaire! This is my follower, Gourry!  
  
Mina: ....Hey... only -I- am allowed flirting with the camera.  
  
**The two girls glare. Gourry stares at Mina's chest**  
  
Gourry: Whoooaaa... Hey, Lina, see? That's what breasts are -supposed- to look like.  
  
**Calmly, Lina hits Gourry on the head. He drops like a rock and everyone sweatdrops. Mina stares at Zelgadiss and Xelloss again, giggling.**  
  
Phibrizzo: *sigh* *monotone* Here's couple number three. u.u;  
  
**Amelia bounds down the steps while Syphiel follows slowly. Syphiel sits on the right side while Amelia stands on her chair, starting to give a justice speech. Zelgadiss tries to jump across the seats to stop them but lands on Xelloss lap** Xelloss: Now, now, Zelly-kun. You have to wait for tonight. *waggles a finger* ^_^  
  
Syphiel: Miss Amelia, please.. you must sit down and--Oh.. Gourry-dear!  
  
**Amelia sighs and sits down, but not before giving a victory sign to the camera**  
  
Mina: And I think we're onto our final couple, thank god... G--*blinks* You're kidding me. *sighs* Fine, fine. Garv and Valgarv... *sweatdrops*  
  
**Garv enters wearing his usual beige trenchcoat, and Valgarv follows after him waving around a small flag with the words "Hooray for Garv-sama!" on it while dressed like a japanese schoolboy. Garv takes the right side, Valgarv takes the left. Mina blinks at the flag*  
  
Mina: You know...I..I don't even want to know. Alright, the people on the right are the husbands...  
  
*Gourry yelps and stands up, looking at Lina, who grins. Zelgadiss mumbles something about never being Xelloss' wife if he was paid,and how he's only doing this to get his old body back. Syphiel and Amelia are talking about justice, and Valgarv is staring adoringly at Garv*  
  
Mina:First question. *takes out a small pile of cue cards.* If...Oh, come on. *looks at Phibrizzo, who shrugs* If your husband was a breakfast food, what would he be?  
  
Zelgadiss: u.u; Xelloss would be a fruit salad because he's fruity....  
  
**Xelloss holds up a sign that said "Fruit Salad" And grins**  
  
Zelgadiss: O.o; Wh..wh..how..I...  
  
Xelloss: Sore wa, himitsu desu! ^.~  
  
Zelgadiss: *twitch*  
  
Mina: ..Couple number two!  
  
Gourry: Lina would be pancakes, cause she's flat.  
  
Lina: WHAT?!  
  
Mina: Come on, let's see your answer..  
  
**Lina sweatdrops and holds up a sign that says 'Lucky Charms'while beating Gourry senseless with her other hand**  
  
Mina:...Lucky Charms?  
  
Lina: ^.^; I'm magically delicious.  
  
All: .......  
  
Mina: That's...wrong... Ok, Couple Three! Amelia, what breakfast food would Syphiel be?  
  
Amelia:I'd say Kellogs, the breakfast of justice! *strikes a pose*  
  
Mina: The breakfast of---Never mind.. Ok! Syphiel, what was your answer?  
  
Syphiel: Eggs.. the yolk reminds me of Gourry dear's hair.. *breaks down crying as she holds up the flash card that has a picture of Gourry and an egg*  
  
Lina: Yeah, it reminds me of his brain..Scrambled...especially when I'm through with him!  
  
Gourry: *groans and sits up* Was it something I said?  
  
Mina: Couple Four?  
  
Valgarv: Sausage with Honey  
  
Garv:*holds up a sign* "Sausage with honey"  
  
**They both grin at each other, and Garv pets Valgarv, starting to caress his horn**  
  
Valgarv: Oh yes you know how much I love it when you touch my horn...  
  
All: O.O;  
  
Phibrizzo: O.O Psst!! Mina!! Next question!!  
  
Mina: o.o Good idea. *takes out the card* Ok, Husband number one. What is your wife's biggest turn-on?  
  
**Xelloss opens one eye and waggles a finger at Mina**  
  
Xelloss:Sore wa, himitsu desu!  
  
**Zelgadiss holds up a sign that says "Sore wa, himitsu desu"** u.u  
  
Mina: Um..judges, can we accept that?  
  
Rezo: I'm so proud of my grandson. ^.^  
  
Eris: I vote the same as Rezo-sama.  
  
Filia: He..but he...you...he... YOU DIDN'T EVEN ANSWER THE QUESTION!! NAMAGOMI!! *twitches, getting out mace-sama and standing on her chair. Eris pulls her back down*  
  
Mina: Couple two?  
  
Lina: Hmm... He likes it when I Dress him up as a girl!  
  
Gourry: *holds up a sign* "I like it when she hits me"  
  
Lina: WHAT?!?  
  
Gourry: I never said I liked being dressed like a girl...  
  
Xelloss: I never knew he had that in him...  
  
Gourry: huh?  
  
Mina: Moving right along, Syphiel, what's Amelia's biggest turn-on?  
  
Syphiel: *thinks* Hmm...mallets?  
  
Amelia: *holds up a sign that says "The Justice Mallet". As she does this, she picks up her justice mallet and cuddles it lovingly*  
  
Mina: Judges, can we accept that?  
  
**The judges confer for a moment and then nod**  
  
Mina: Alright, Husband number four, what's your wife's biggest turn on?  
  
Garv: He likes me to rub his horn  
  
Valgarv: *holds up a sign* "I like him to wear his sailor fuku"  
  
  
  
Garv: Awww I didn't know you liked it that much!  
  
Valgarv: the plaits are cute! ^.^  
  
Garv: Awwww Val chan you should have told me *they start to hug and cuddle*  
  
All: o.o;;  
  
**Mina is staring at Zelgadiss and Xelloss with a goofy look on her face. Phibrizzo sighs**  
  
Phibrizzo: -I- should've been the host. Ok, couple one is leading with two points, Couples two and three have none and couple four has one. We'll be right back after this commercial.  
  
  
  
****  
  
Commercial:  
  
*A grey-colored sock appears on the screen with a large green afro wig and two googly eyes. He speaks in a high-pitched voice*  
  
Mr Sock: Hi! I'm Mr. Sock! Do you have a problem with smoking?  
  
**The camera turns to show Zellas..or.. part of her, anyway.**  
  
Zellas: ...No. *taps the ashes off her long cigarette*  
  
Mr Sock: ..Well if you do, come to my weekend seminar! Every person gets free donuts and coffee!  
  
Zellas: Ooh, free donuts?  
  
Mr Sock: One per person.  
  
**Mr Sock is lit on fire. He 'runs' around screaming until the fire goes out.** Mr Sock: u.u Unlimited Donuts.  
  
**Announcer: Mr Sock's Anti-Smoking Clinic.. 1201 Sockpuppet Blvd. This weekend. $50 per person, free donuts and coffee..**  
  
  
  
Mina: And we're back.  
  
**Garv and Valgarv are making out in the background with Phibrizzo frantically trying to break them apart**  
  
Mina: O..k.. Onto the next question! Wife number one..  
  
Zelgadiss: ....Wife?  
  
Mina: Wife.  
  
Zelgadiss: Do I look like a wife to you?  
  
**In a puff of smoke, Zelgadiss is in a dress and has a bow in his hair. Xelloss smiles innocently**  
  
Xelloss: Answer the question, Zel-kun ^.^  
  
Zelgadiss: *eyebrow twitches*  
  
Rezo: *cackles*  
  
Mina: *tries not to laugh even though everyone else is* Wife number one.. What's your husband's biggest turn on?  
  
Zelgadiss: My humiliation?  
  
**Xelloss sticks up a sign that says "Zelly-kun's humilation"**  
  
Zelgadiss: O.O STOP THAT!  
  
Xelloss: Stop what?  
  
Zelgadiss: I...th..you're cheating!  
  
Xelloss: You want the Clair Bible, don't you?  
  
**Zelgadiss just sits there and grumbles. Meanwhile, Phibrizzo is flung across the room, cussing as Garv and Valgarv continue, then stop and look up innocently**  
  
Mina: ....o.o;; Couple Number two.. Gourry, what's Lina's biggest turn on?  
  
Gourry: Dressing me up like a girl? No wait!! Food!!  
  
Lina:*holds up a sign that says "Food"*  
  
Gourry:I got one! ^.^.... Hey Lina, is that why you wanted me to swim with you in that pool of whipped cream?  
  
**The studio goes silent**  
  
Lina: I don't know what you're talking about . .  
  
Mina: This show's getting too kinky for Daytime TV...  
  
**Phibrizzo pulls himself out of the wall, grumbling and goes back to his stage manager spot**  
  
Mina: Amelia, what's your answer?  
  
Amelia: That's easy. ^.^ Gourry.  
  
Gourry: Huh?  
  
**Syphiel nods and pulls out a sign that says "Gourry dear"**  
  
Amelia: Yay! The Warriors of Justice got one!  
  
Mina: Valgarv? What's Garv's biggest turn on?  
  
Valgarv: It would be when we play the dragon game  
  
Phibrizzo: What the hell is that?  
  
Garv: *holds up a sign* "Dragon game"  
  
Phibrizzo: You still didn't say what it is  
  
Valgarv: Simple, we take turns partly turning into a dragon and then we start to see who can take more  
  
Lina: Take more what?!?  
  
Xelloss: Sore wa himitsu desu!  
  
Mina: *pauses a moment then chokes on her coffee* O.O  
  
Phibrizzo: I'm sorry I asked....  
  
Mina: So, Phibby, what are the scores after Round Three?  
  
Phibrizzo: Couple One has 3, Couples Two and Three have one each, and Couple Four has 2.  
  
Mina: Ooh, it's a close one. And onto question four.  
  
Zelgadiss: Hey! This dress won't come off!  
  
Amelia: But you look so pretty, Mr Zelgadiss!!  
  
Zelgadiss: Amelia...*tries to dive across but Xelloss catches him again*  
  
Xelloss: My, my.. Can't control yourself, can you Zel? ^.^  
  
Zelgadiss: Help..  
  
Valgarv: After the show, Dragon Game! ^.^ All are welcome!  
  
Filia: *twitch* No.  
  
Lina: Take more -what-?!  
  
Mina:...Question Four!  
  
Amelia: Yeah, take more what?  
  
Syphiel: Oh dear..  
  
Mina: QUESTION FOUR!  
  
All: O.O;  
  
Amelia: There's no need to yell, Miss Mina.  
  
**Mina takes a deep breath and sighs**  
  
Mina: What's the weirdest place you two have ever done the horizontal macarena---Phibby!!!  
  
Phibrizzo:..What? Rezo wrote that question.  
  
Rezo:......You're blaming the blind man?  
  
Phibrizzo: Yep. ^.^  
  
Rezo: It was the dragon  
  
Filia: WHAT!?  
  
Gourry: I remember that. **Gourry stands up and starts doing the macarena** ^.^  
  
Mina: *counts backwards from ten* What's the weirdest place you have ever fuc*ed?  
  
Amelia: O.O  
  
Syphiel: O.O  
  
**Gourry sits back down**  
  
Zelgadiss: But..we..we haven't--  
  
Mina: Xelloss, what's the weirdest place?  
  
Xelloss: Hmm.. *taps his chin* In the Green Room.  
  
Mina:....This green Room?  
  
Xelloss: *nods* ^.^  
  
Zelgadiss: *holds up a sign that says "The Green Room", then blinks and looks at the sign* HEY!  
  
Xelloss: Something wrong? ^.^;  
  
Lina: Hey..we were just in the Green room...  
  
**The contestants all shudder, except for Garv and Val, who perk up.**  
  
Zelgadiss: I never wrote that! O.o  
  
Mina:....Couple number two.  
  
Gourry: Aheh..in the Greenroom backstage. ^.^;  
  
**Lina sweatdrops and holds up a sign that says "In the Green Room."**  
  
Mina: Let me guess, couple number three.. In the Green Room?  
  
Amelia: Actually, we never..er..um... fucked.  
  
**The audience goes O.O! And Zelgadiss stares and stands up wearing the dress, pointing at Amelia**  
  
Zelgadiss: A true ally of Justice would never use that word! *He pauses, blinks and sits back down*  
  
All: O.o; *silence, a tumbleweed rolls through the studio*  
  
Phibrizzo: Mina.....Mina? MINA!  
  
**Mina has a small puddle of drool forming on the podium. She looks up and blinks**  
  
Mina: What?  
  
Phibrizzo: The show!  
  
Mina: ...What show?  
  
Phibrizzo: This one!  
  
Mina: *blinks* Oh! -This- show! *laughs nervously* Right.. Syphiel, what was your answer?  
  
Syphiel: *holds up a sign that says "Amelia and I never (squiggly lines), I'm saving myself for Gourry Dear"*  
  
Gourry: Saving yourself? I can save you! ^.^  
  
Mina: Couple Four?  
  
Valgarv: The Green Room. ^.^  
  
**Garv holds up a sign that says "The Green Room"**  
  
Mina: That's it. I'm never going in the green room again. Are we doing another question, Phib?  
  
Phibrizzo: *nods*  
  
**Rezo, Eris and Filia look a bit green and run off**  
  
Mina: . We just lost our judges panel.  
  
Phibrizzo: *nods* They were in the green room after the contestants left. They ate lunch there and everything.  
  
Mina: ....So did I.. *runs off, gagging*  
  
Phibrizzo: Well then, time for the next question! ^.^ *climbs up on the podium, giggling*  
  
Valgarv: What's wrong with -them-?  
  
Garv: Who knows? *shrugs and pets Valgarv's horn. Valgarv purrs*  
  
Phibrizzo: Ok, Husband number one, what's the last movie you watched with your husband?  
  
Zelgadiss: I'm not going to answer that...  
  
Xelloss: *holds up a sign that says "Zelly-kun won't answer that because he's embarassed of all the naughty movies we rented last night, even though we re-enacted them all out..." He's cut off by the lack of room.*  
  
Zelgadiss: GAK! O.O Fruitcake!  
  
Xelloss: *purrs and kisses Zelgadiss, then looks Innocent. Zelgadiss turns an interesting shade of purple and runs out of the room gagging*  
  
Phibrizzo: Judges? Um...ok, our judges are still getting rid of their lunches, so I'll just accept that because I like the shade Zelgadiss-san turned ^.^ Couple number two?  
  
Gourry: Bloodsport Two.  
  
Lina: *holds up a sign that says "Bloodsport Three"* Gourry!!!  
  
Gourry: o.o Oops.  
  
**The judges walk back in. Phibrizzo blinks**  
  
Phibrizzo: Where's Mina-chan?  
  
Rezo: She and my grandson went into a room, I think.  
  
Xelloss: Oh, drat. u.u  
  
**Mina comes back out with her hair messed up and her top on backwards, Zelgadiss is now blushing furiously as he sits down, his dress on inside out**  
  
Mina: *coughs* Alright, I'll take over from here, Phib.  
  
Phibrizzo: But..but...but..  
  
**Cheesy type music comes on and Xelloss starts singing "But, But, But" before Zelgadiss clamps a hand over his mouth and pulls him back down to his seat.**  
  
Xelloss: So where were you two?  
  
  
  
Mina: Um...ahem..the green room..Couple three..  
  
Amelia: Were you doing anything unjust, Miss Mina? *cute smile*  
  
Mina: o.o No?  
  
Amelia: Okay then ^.^  
  
Mina: Syphiel,*looks at the cards* what was the last movie you two watched?  
  
Syphiel:I'd think that would have to be... Law and Order on the Court Channel...Miss Amelia thinks it's unjust to go to the movies playing recently-they're all "unclean"  
  
**Amelia holds up a sign that says "Movies are un-just! There are villans that get away with their crimes and ...." The writing gets smaller as she runs out of room, and she flips the sign over, and in tiny writing is the rest of her justice speech**  
  
Mina: ...That'll work. Couple four?  
  
Garv: "Xelloss does Sairaag."  
  
Mina: Xelloss does Sairaag?!  
  
Xelloss: *nods* ^.^  
  
Valgarv:*Holds up a sign that says "Xelloss does Sairaag"*  
  
Xelloss: You saw that? ^.^;  
  
Garv: *nods* Oscar material, Xel-kun ^.^  
  
Mina: ..Yuck. Ok, time for the bonus round! Phibby, what are the scores? Phibrizzo: Um, couple one has five points, couple two has one, couple three has two, and couple four has three. So, this means that the bonus round can help put some of the other couples in the lead! Five points for each question!  
  
**Mina waits and then pokes Naga, who's flirting with a red-haired cameraman. She grumbles and holds up the "OOOH..." sign. The audience "OOOH's."**  
  
Mina: Thanks. Our bonus question is this.. What does your husband do when he's angry?  
  
Zelgadiss: He destroys cities and kills people.  
  
Filia: Kills -dragons-.  
  
Rezo: Ah, who hasn't killed a couple dragons?  
  
**Filia reaches over and hits Rezo with mace-sama**  
  
Rezo: Ow! Who was that?  
  
Filia: It was Namagomi.  
  
Xelloss: Was not. .  
  
**Rezo leans over and clocks Filia with his staff, grumbling and rubbing his head**  
  
Mina: Do I have to flick a fricking light switch on and off? Geez.. Xelloss, what's your answer?  
  
Xelloss: *holds up a sign that says "I like to destroy cities and kill off entire races of dragons."*  
  
  
  
Zelgadiss: Why am I not surprised u.u  
  
Mina: That brings couple one up to 10 points!  
  
Zelgadiss: Yay u.u v  
  
Mina: Couple number two?  
  
Gourry: She hits me.  
  
Lina: *holds up a sign that says "I pound Gourry into the ground" *  
  
Gourry: See?  
  
Mina: Couple number two, you're up to six! How bout you, Amelia?  
  
Amelia: Um.. I don't think Miss Syphiel -gets- angry that often..  
  
Syphiel: *holds up a sign that says "I use the dragon slave on defenseless cities." She blinks* I didn't write that..  
  
Xelloss: *whistles innocently*  
  
Mina: Couple four?  
  
Valgarv: He tries to kill Lina Inverse ^.^  
  
Lina: WHAT!?  
  
Garv: *holds up a sign that says "Black leather and chains on Val-chan"*  
  
Valgarv: O.o Whoops.  
  
Mina: That means that Couple three is in last, Couple four is in third, Couple two is in second, and Couple one is first! Congratulations! **Martina comes out holding tickets to Seyruun and part of the Clair Bible**  
  
Zelgadiss: *rips the dress off* Give me that!  
  
Xelloss: *takes the Clair bible and flips through it* Nope, this isn't what you're looking for Zel-kun ^.^ *makes it disappear. Zelgadiss cries until Mina runs over and whispers something to him and they run off*  
  
Phibrizzo: Well, that's it for this episode of the Slayers Newlywed game, tune in next week when we have four new couples and all new questions! And hopefully, Mina won't run off with one of the contestants, and--  
  
**Muffled screaming as an unidentified girl grabs Valgarv and runs off with him. Garv chases her off stage**  
  
Phibrizzo: Oh, forget it.. Just roll the credits..  
  
  
  
  
  
Host: Mina Greywords  
  
Stage Manager: Phibrizzo Mei Ou  
  
Sign Holder: Naga the Serpent  
  
Cameraman: Kyouko Hisakawa  
  
Prize Carrier: Martina of Zoana  
  
Judges: Eris, Rezo the Red Priest, Filia Ul Copt  
  
Insane Val-napper: Keth Pheregul  
  
Director: Zellas Metallium  
  
A Beautiful Midnight Production © 2001 


End file.
